


You're an avatar, Jon. I'm a wot?

by dekuwu_1, Jonmartinbrainrot



Series: Chosen idiot London folk [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: (small reference but still), Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crack, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, F/F, Fic, Fluff, Idiots in Love, LMAO, M/M, Martin cusses, Romantic Comedy, Rusty Quill Big Bang, SO MUCH FLUFF, Tim is still alive fuck canon, as a treat, british bois, enjoy, fnaf - Freeform, hermione can have a little internalized mysogeny, martin knows how to cook and luna knows how to garden, notice us rusty quill, notice us senpais, please enjoy this nonsense my cousin and I wrote in the middle of the night because we felt like it, please someone come save me, purple guy elias, self-indulgent fic, shut up, spoiler upto ep. 194, they keep friendship bracelets under their pillows, tim and ron are bffs, writing this instead of doing my homework, yes the cannon is changed to fit our timeline
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-05
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-18 04:21:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29852487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dekuwu_1/pseuds/dekuwu_1, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jonmartinbrainrot/pseuds/Jonmartinbrainrot
Summary: Somehow, our Harry Potter gang ended up in the tunnels under the Magnus Institute where they run into none other than Hellen Richardson after walking through a mysterious door. Here they run into some friends from the archives, who had also walked through one of Hellen's doors.Confusion and confessions ensue.---Or the london cross over fic we needed.
Relationships: Harry Potter/Therapy, Hermione Granger/Luna Lovegood, Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Ron Weaselly & Tim Stoker
Series: Chosen idiot London folk [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2194743
Comments: 9
Kudos: 8





	1. Oh no! Where are we?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please enjoy this first chapter. If people like it we might continue, this is a crack fic, we don't know where it's gonna go but it's gonna be fun.  
> (Also, sorry that the chapter is short and cuts off abruptly, it took us awhile to write and we didn't plan on it taking this long, we wanted to be sure to be able and post it today, it's 11:55 pm lol :P)
> 
>  ~~Besides that, we've been thinking of updating weekly, still thinking it over~~  
>  We'll be releasing one episode per week for each fic, specifically on Thursday nights for this fic. If we do not have an upload on Thursday night it will be posted by 12:30pm PST the following Friday >3<
> 
> Edit (3/16/21): Here's the schedule, for now, and we'll be sure to update when/if other fics are added!:
> 
> Monday: N/A  
> Tuesday: N/A  
> Wednesday: _Just Monika_  
>  Thursday: _You're an avatar, Jon. I'm a wot?_  
>  Friday: N/A  
> Saturday: N/A  
> Sunday: N/A

It was a merky day in Diagon Alley, as it always is in the never changing city of London. Where the previous ex-students of Hogwarts, Harry, Ron, Luna, and Hermione, were celebrating another unemployed day, wasting away. It had been difficult for the group to move on after the war, but they were working on it together (with a major help of Harry’s surplus of money from his-not-so-alive parents).

Even after all these years, the gang, minus a few others, sat cramped together in a too-tiny booth while they sipped on their Firewhiskey. After the war, Harry and Ginny unceremoniously broke up, still keeping up as great friends. It was hard for Ginny to pursue her career and keep up with her relationship simultaneously. Meanwhile, Ron and Hermione had also gone split-zeys after Hermione had realized she was a lesbian. While Luna had wound her way into their over complicated dynamic. Overall, they were a rag-tag group of single friends trying to make it through the twat fuck of a world.

After a few drinks, Harry and Ron had become significantly inebriated, unable to properly walk or stand. Hermione and Luna made the wise decision to leave. As they collected their stuff and went to walk out of the pub Luna vaguely noted that the door looked,,,, off. Where there had previously been the worn and flaked brown door they had grown to know, there was a vivid red one in its stead. It let off a slight glow as they walked nearer, but her father always said that red snorkolflasks were known to paint things red. _Remember to take their charms without hesitation or the mizzlemeekies will come for you._ Smiling with gratitude, she happily held the door open for the others to walk through.

Upon stepping on to the opposite threshold, they were not met with the familiar aroma of sweet pastries or cobblestone flooring, but rough concrete walls that seemed to curve inward. The door creaked and slammed shut, clicking with an unseen lock. Startled, they were immediately engulfed in darkness as the last of the light was hindered by the door. Ron looked around frantically and quickly turned a shade of sickly green. Shrieking, Hermonie drew her wand, casting a spell to see where they were, “Lumos.” However, the wand began to audibly spurt, as it refused to work. Straining to listen for any other sound, voices became detectable in the dark tunnels as a light drew nearer. Echoing from a bit away, they all began to cautiously follow them (trying hard to silence Harry and Ron’s dazed groans).

“Martin! How did you manage to mess things up badly enough for us to end up here??” The man with long dark hair said. His skin was littered with a series of small scars, wearing black formal wear with his hair pulled up into a loose bun.

“Jon, this isn’t Martin’s fault. You have to stop putting your fucking blame on everyone else around you. It isn’t fair.” A man with similar scars and a hawaian t-shirt interjected. He held a torch.

“No, Tim, it’s fine. I-, I shouldn’t have suggested we come down here,, I’m, I’m sorry. It's,, not like we’ll find Sasha.” A red headed man, whose name must have been Martin, said apologetically. He was wearing a light blue sleeveless jumper over a white button down.

The last man trailed behind them, adorning a purple suit with golden eyes accents, not saying a word. Simply watching with a devious smirk.

“No, no, Tim’s right. I’m sorry Martin I just,, I’m frustrated is all.” Jon said.

The silent man finally spoke up, pointing out the unsuspected people, “It seems as though we have an audience.” The four of them turned their attention to Harry, Hermione, Ron and Luna. Just now noticing them.

“Who are you? Where are we? How do we leave?” Hermione demanded with a brave stance while holding out her wand. Harry and Ron, now sober, stood behind her in a similar fashion. While Luna gazed out, silent and unmoving. The man with the purple suit stepped forward and held out his hand. His eyes unblinking and his smile unnerving under the dim light.

“Elias Bouchard. Owner of the Magnus Institute, London. The real question is who are you, and how did you manage to find yourself inside of my institute’s tunnels? I have a very strict policy against visitors.” When no one responded, or moved to shake his hand, he pressed forward, snatching Hermione’s wand. “What is this instrument? A mere twig?”

“Expelliarmus!” Harry shouted as he lunged forward with his own wand hoping to retrieve Hermione’s. However, nothing happened. No light erupted from his wand which lay dormant in his hand. Seeing this interesting exchange, Elias chuckled. A forced and incomplete sound.

“I was almost worried they had managed to get a Leightner. How dreadfully disappointing to see. Now once again, how did you manage to get inside of my institute?” The smile he had before was replaced with an icy glare. He was slightly unnerved by his inability to understand, yet ever more curious.

“The door. The door was different.” Luna finally spoke up.

“H-hellen! It must have put it’s doors around London. They must have walked through one. Like-like us.” Martin concluded.

“Hellen. The pompous ass. I wish I could see down here.” Jon cursed under his breath.

“Oh poor Archivist. Unable to call upon his precious beholding to satisfy his voyeuristic cravings. Has a blind spot in the fabric of space put that much of a damper on your mood.” Elias said, his smug smile had returned. It was Ron who spoke up next.

“Archivist? Blind spot? Wot is this bollocks? Why can’t our wands work? Who’s Hellen? What the bloody hell is going on?!?!? Don’t you know who we are? Why aren’t you less impressed. What even is this!?” His face was almost as red as his hair as he turned to hit the cold cement wall.

“No. No one knows who the bloody hell you lot are. And of course your ‘wands’ wouldn’t work, everyone knows that magic doesn’t exist!” Tim shouted in response.

“W-well, Tim. You know how things can be. I mean, if, if Hellen, and the eye, and the avatars, and Leightner, and, and Jon, Jon’s,, powers- and Elias! Don’t get me started on Elias. If they’re all real, the entities are real, the, the _shit_ we deal with on a regular basis are **real** , then why not magic?” Martin rambled. The wizards stood there, confused. None of this talk of powers and eyes made any sense to them.

“This must be the work of drulkins. That’s it!” Luna said.

“Luna, I don’t think this is, drakons or whatever it is you said. Look- why don’t we try to sit down and think this reasonably?” Harry added, turning to the institute members. “We can each relay our side of the story and try to find some middle ground.” He looked around at everyone.

“Seems fair,” Elais agreed. “We could at least take a moment to hear out or guests. Perhaps a statement is in order?”

“Elias-” Jon warned.

“Dear Archivist, why it’s only a joke,” Elias half-heartedly smirked, “In fact why don’t you tell these _people_ about why we are here and what we do?”

“I- fine. My name is Jonathan Sims, the Archivist, I- I mean the head archivist at the Magnus Institute, London. Over there is Timothy Stoker and Martin Blackwood, my archival assistants. And this, this is my, ehm, _boss_ , Elias Bouchard. Here at the Magnus Institute we take and research statements regarding, otherwize unexplainable (supernatural) things. We are all currently in the tunnels of the institute. Martin, Tim, and I were searching for a colleague when we stumbled through a door and found ourselves here. See the tunnels are designed to be a maze that no powers can see through. Elias had been following, god knows why, and, well now he’s here too.” Upon seeing their confused faces reacting to his terrible summarization, he sighed and continued.

“You might not want to believe me, but please, listen. See, there are _powers_ out there. They are based off of a list of 14 fears. We, the institute, are under the Eye. The beholding. I, I’m part of the eye. And through this power I can, see and know things, and so can Elias. Hellen, the thing that brought you here, is also a part of one of the entities, the Stranger. I’m, I’m not going to go into much detail as to what this means, but know that it is **not** a human. The doors we all happened to walk through were because of Hellen as well. It is the doors. I and Elias are unfortunately unable to see down here. I can’t know the way out. I- we need to find a way out on our own.” He looked back at his colleagues and waited for someone to say something. Meeting Martin’s he found him staring at him intently, something he couldn’t quite name glinted in the larger man’s eyes, and Jon looked away quickly.

“That about sums it.” Tim said in his usual sarcastic manner. “I guess that means it's your turn now.” The second group looked around nervously, trying to debate on how to properly communicate their situation with just their eyes.

“Hermione, you’re the best at this type of thing, maybe you could,,,?” Harry asked nervously.

“Sure. So, where do I begin? I guess with Hogwarts?,,, We are all from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, a school designed in order to teach witches and wizards the craft of magic. We graduated from there a few years back after the war between the Death Eaters and the other wizards. You see, there was a malicious wizard named Voldemort, who used his power for his own gain. There was also a prophecy in which stated that our Harry here,” she said as she gestured to said person, who did a small wave, “would be the one to kill him. The Death Eaters were Voldemort’s followers. They believed in the race purity of wizards and wanted to kill off all muggle (non-wizard) borns. Mudbloods they called us. I had to hide my parents from them, so they wouldn’t-.” Hermione looked as though she was about to cry and Harry put his arm around her shoulder to calm her down. Gaining her composure she continued on.

“After the war, we decided to move on in wizarding society. We had to keep a bit of a low profile, as we were plastered on the Daily Prophet, a newspaper, almost every day. Every headline read, ‘the chosen one had defeated the Dark Lord he-who-must-not-be-named’. You see, London has an area for only wizards, not muggles like you four. We have a government, money, stores, and other such things. We don’t normally interact with muggles, and we aren’t meant to tell any that we exist, but this situation is far beyond normal rules at this point. It was earlier today that we encountered the door as we were out at our favorite pub, and now here we are. I’m pretty sure that’s everything.” Hermione finalized, exhaling deeply.

A silence filled the small space. Everyone unsure what to do next. This whole situation was absurd no matter how you looked at it. A light frown made its way onto Elias’s posh face as he leaned against the wall of the tunnel. Tim and Ron sat at either side trying to make sense of the current events. While Harry and Hermione comforted each other and fact checked their story with Luna and Jon who were taking vague notes (or doodles in Luna’s case.) All, sin Elias, sat criss-cross applesauce on the floor. Martin leaned against Jon’s back emotionally and physically exhausted. Jon didn’t seem to notice, or if he did he didn’t care. Tim thought it was odd that his boss was not reprimanding Martin for invading his personal space, as he had done with him so many times before. However he quickly moved on from this thought as a figure stumbled into the area.

“Do you have any idea how horrid it feels to have people go _through_ you?” A familiar voice exasperated.

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the magnus archives is a podcast distributed by rusty quill it is licensed under a creative commons non attribution share alike 4.0 international licence todays episode was written and performed by jonathan sims and directed by alexander j newall for,,,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys like the story! It's definitely random,, but still hope that you loved it none the less!! (please love it, we're just trying to make it through life :,D)
> 
> We're also open to any criticism! Comments are also appreciated <3
> 
> Dekuwu_1: let's make a fic  
> Jonmartinbrianrot: okie  
> ao3 & the rusty quill community: what in the-  
> \----
> 
> Bloopers (?): When no one responded, or moved to shake his sweaty hand, he pressed forward, snatching Hermione’s wand like the greedy 3 year old he is. “What is this instrument? A mere twig?” He then took hold in both hands and snapped it in half as he laughed maniacally. “HAHAH fuck off bitches i’ve won!”
> 
> ^(In fact, Elias never returned Hermione's wand lmao, he just keeps it)  
> \----
> 
> Our head cannon is that Elias will eat, if he does, everything and anything with clear utensils/plates/bowls/etc. And that everything in his house is made of clear glass, including his walls. Therefore he’s all seeing and people watches from his living room on a daily basis.  
> \----
> 
> Also Elias is wearing a purple suit, purple guy? Five nights at at freddies? Another cross over? We'll never know,,, (Actually 👀) ~~Do ya'll even know what Five nights at freddies is?~~  
>  \----
> 
> We know big words wow  
> It’s so nice to see our lord, tma, marbleized in such beautiful not-italian writing. I don’t know. Notice us, senpai, notice us. (if you don’t get the reference, i-)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, no post today :(

Hi dekuwu_1 here! 

I just want to apologize and say that we're sorry but, as you can tell, we were unable to update on Friday (as well as today). Me and jonmartinbrainrot are working on it and we'll be sure to get it updated!

Sorry for the wait, hope you have an amazing day/evening/night! (It's currently 12:07 am here lol.)

Appreciate you all and be sure to get lots of rest <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the chapters, will be reworked so that the update schedule will, rather, be the first chapter. this way you will receive an update when the next work is posted and i'll be more organized :DD
> 
> but other news....
> 
> WE REACHED 100 HITS AHHH OMG THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH!!  
> WE LOVE YOU ALL AND OMG- <3 <3 <3


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